On Thursday, April 18th, 2013 at 10:37 am, at 16 wks pregnant, we delivered our sweet little 7 1/4in long, 2.8 oz baby, who was already being held in the arms of Jesus. I have actually written a lot since we came home from the hospital. . .it's helped me grieve and process the events of one of the most difficult weeks of our lives. Ryan said my writing is so long it's "book long" so maybe someday it'll become that.
One of the things that sticks out to me the most is that we are not alone. The body of Christ has uplifted us in prayer, phone calls, texts, visits at the hospital and home, cards of comfort and encouragement, meaningful gifts, meals, my parents caring for our kids, etc. We have had such peace from God during this difficult time. . .from hearing our sweet baby's heart was no longer beating, to hearing the induction had caused our baby to come out my uterine wall instead of vaginally. From the sweet moments of holding and rocking our little baby to lullabies, to the sad moment of "saying goodbye," the hope of heaven and spending eternity with him/her has filled us with peace.
I have no doubt the Lord hand picked our nurses. . .they had such an impact on me. . .they were lighthearted when we needed that, gave us space when we needed that, and cried with us when we needed that. They brought our baby in to us whenever we requested, took hand prints and footprints, and prayed for us. So many of our friends and family have walked this road and I can't thank everyone enough for coming along side us and covering us in prayer.
I had the opportunity to attend a womens conference with some girlfriends last weekend. I thought it was so neat when I was reminded that Laura Story would be there. The song "Blessings," by Laura Story, was on the radio after my appt when we found out our baby was already being held by Jesus. The other song that has been going through my head is Great is Thy Faithfulness (my great-grandma Emily's fav hymn). . . esp the words "strength for today and hope for tomorrow." It was totally a God thing when, during the conference, Laura Story moved straight into the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" from "Blessings." We buried our baby on Great Grandma Emily's grave, so the fact that God had put words from that song on my heart means even more.
As far as the uterine rupture, we just totally have to trust God. I am so thankful we did not try and induce labor when I was pregnant with Ryker, but opted for the csection after having an emergency csection with Trey. Also, we were able to see and hold our sweet baby #5 in our arms, as well as have him/her dedicated and baptized by my dad, vs having a D&E where that wouldn't have been possible. We are thankful that the baby didn't hit any blood vessels, so I didn't have much blood loss, and they were able to stitch up my uterus. We are thankful for my dr who sat in our hospital room, with tears in her eyes, for a good half hour on a Saturday to answer all our questions. We are so very thankful to God for the gift of 4 healthy children to come home to and snuggle, and yet we grieve knowing there's things we will never do with our 5th child on earth.
Ryan and I have been able to take time to grieve together, and although there are still moments of sadness and will continue to be, we can see God working in our lives.
We know that the same God that gives us comfort and peace, and holds our hands, is holding the hands of our baby. . .
We know that the same God that's directing our steps, is the same God that created these perfect tiny feet,
We know that until this mommy and daddy get to hold their baby again in heaven, that this child is in the arms of his/her Heavenly Father. . .
We know that the same God that wraps His loving arms around us, is wrapping His loving arms around our child. We love you, sweet baby
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